The first rule about Celebrity Entitlement Club?
There are quite a few, actually. It’s a club in which our two participants — Bee and Cat in this case — verbally spar over a trifle to establish their place in society.
The prize on our first edition is the temporary Right of Unimpeded Passage. The participants, as seen in our viral video, are the guarder of their Queen, the Bee, and the Cat, whose purr is said to have healing powers.
As debuts go, we did choose a favourite. The common factor among Cat and Bee is that everyone has an opinion about both of them. Cat believes it is above every law while Bee knows the art of subjugation and comes with stingers.
The rules of this battle are simple. In three rounds, a participant must outscore their opponent. Each round holds one point.
It begins with a test of each individual’s vocal range, the Rage Range. It’s a primer, really. The louder you are, the more likely you are to win. The second phase is Weighty Introductions, which is self-explanatory and finally we have The Phone Call.
And so it begins.
Round One: Rage Range
Cat shrieked first. It was an affront. How dare this lowly Bee stop them? She is wearing her coat of furs and that should be enough. A scream should have taught this class of species their place, but Bee actually buzzed back.
Cat would need a collar first. What about the “Cat” it had printed on an A4 paper and stuck to itself. It even wore the now-retro red crescent moon sticker.
But these weren’t enough for Bee.
In times of a climate change pandemic? Cat would need a collar? It screamed. “How could!” It demanded.
Bee did not budge.
Bee- 1, Cat- 0
Round Two: Weighty Introductions
Weighty introductions are one of the most quintessential of native animal things. It’s when you are in a jam, but cannot rely solely on your own brand, and need to borrow a few adjectives.
This behaviour has been reinforced by Cat thanks to the Simba narrative. It’s when you think you are owed a privilege because your ancestors were part of an intangible thing.
To begin, participants must indulge in the “Bongshor porichoi” exercise,akaan introduction to your family. Some, however, have enough credentials, but dropping a famous father is sure to be a winner.
A little history lesson is valid here.
The term “bongshor porichoy” might have come from the human behaviour of “Babar Porichoy“, which basically means the identity of your father. This reliance on who you are related to, if certain historians are to be believed, has been institutionalised and upheld by the remnants of a colonised people. Apparently, for humans, if you apply for a government job, you are visited by a police official. And if your dad wasn’t righteous, meaning he did not support the right party, then you wouldn’t get the job regardless of how well you did in all your exams. Bad babar porichoy basically means no public recruitment.
For the first round, Cat threw out that its father had actually fought in a legendary war it had nothing to do with but still wanted to credit for.
Bee replied that its father too had fought in a legendary war.
But Bee was just a Bee, a mere enforcer among its population.
“Do you know who I am? I am not only a healer, but also joint secretary of my kind. I also teach,” Cat said.
And Bee? No other titles.
“Many of my kind have died in this climate change pandemic!” Cat howled.
“My kind have died too!” Bee yelled back.
But none could produce the numbers.
Fact check: Surviving terrible working conditions, instead of doing “woke” things like unionising, is indeed something to brag about. But who was telling the full truth?
If we consider April, a total of 90 from Bee’s community have died in the pandemic, while the number was 146 for Cat.
Bee- 1, Cat- 1
Round 3: The Phone Call
The phone call is like playing chess. This real-life game of phone a friend, like its TV show counterpart, is also not a sure shot. If you make a call, make sure your opponent’s eyes widen when they hear the voice on the other end. Your opponent might also choose to make a phone call themselves, or, they could actually choose to talk to whoever you called.
It’s a clout thing.
Cat reached for the phone first. It was another of its species in an Admin capacity. Bee did not move an inch. Cat then did something unexpected. It made another phone call.
“Speak to Snake,” Cat said.
Snake, for the uninitiated, is a member of the council which governs all other species. Snake carries weight. Bee hesitated. Bee said its boss could speak to “Snake Sir”. The Sir had come out enticed by the tongue of the snake.
An apology followed.
Bee- 1, Cat -2 Victory: Cat